Waiting For
by me malum
Summary: Dean debated what the greater sin was: whether that he'd broken the first seal and tortured countless souls in Hell, or that somewhere along the line, he'd apparently fallen in love with an angel of the Lord. It doesn't take long for Sam to realise what's happening. Castiel isn't an idiot, or anything else that would blind him to the fact that Dean Winchester is in love with him.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer- **Yeah, I wish.

Onesided Dean/Cas stream of consciousness fic. Spoilers for season 4, but no further.

Hope 'tis enjoyed.

* * *

He wasn't sure exactly when he'd lost _it_.

Hell, he wasn't sure exactly what _it_ stood for anymore, be it his senses, his rationality or his very mind.

He thought it might have been the first time Cas kind-of smirked at him and glanced faux-innocently up to the night sky, tempting the wrath of Heaven to give Dean the information he thought might save his brother's life.

Or it might've been the first time he spread his wings, dark shadows against the sigil-covered wall of the warehouse they'd summoned him to, and stated in no uncertain terms that _he'd_ been the one to save Dean from Hell and bring him back to life. _His_ was the hand that fit perfectly to the raised scar on Dean's shoulder, the one that hadn't faded and disappeared like all his others after he was brought back.

It might even be the time when he was lying beaten in a hospital bed, and Cas still didn't try to lie to him. Sammy would have delayed his answer or withheld it altogether, but Castiel, in his gravelly voice that sounded almost as broken as Dean had felt, honestly said what every cell in Dean's body was begging to be a lie (he'd been the _one_, after everything his father had gone through; he was the one who broke and gave up everything to alleviate his own suffering).

And yet, didn't seem to hate him for it, regardless.

In the privacy of his mind, Dean debated what the greater sin was: whether that he'd broken the first seal and tortured countless souls in Hell, or that somewhere along the line, he'd apparently fallen in love with an angel of the Lord.

Praying helped, for a little while. So did the nameless women he took back to motel rooms for a night, only he'd find himself tracing the outlines of their shoulder blades and wondering _why_ it felt like there should be something else there.

He knew what he was looking for, but Dean had always been an expert at deception- be it to himself, to his family or to the poor men and women he questioned relentlessly when hunting.

It was easiest to lie on the days right after Cas left. He could tell himself how much of a dick the angel was, how much _all_ angels were, what with how they used humanity as their pawns and couldn't care less for the means so long as they secured the ends.

It got harder after the first week. That was when he began wondering when Cas would be back, if he was alright, if (with an internal shudder) he'd perished on the unknown battlefields just like he'd reported so many of his brothers and sisters doing.

After twelve days, Dean sometimes found himself listening to soft music on his Baby's stereo, when Sam was away or asleep. He'd hear the lyrics and the gentle chords, think about Castiel and wonder, did Cas think of him too? Or was he merely a tool to the angel, something used and then put away 'til the angel had need of him again?

He drove himself mad sometimes, just from the thinking. And then Castiel would return, and leave without a trace, and the cycle would start over and again.

When he knelt down in front of the heav'nly host and pledged his allegiance to their cause, it wasn't for anything noble, wasn't to protect the Earth or stop the apocalypse or _any _of that shit.

It was out of fear. Fear that someone else he'd come to care for would be taken from him, fear that the next time he saw Cas, he would be the one broken on the floor with those magnificent wings imprinted on the ground around him- if the angels bothered to inform him, that was, and didn't simply leave him hanging and wondering if Castiel would _ever_ come see him again.

Only an angel could kill another angel. And at the end of the day, what was Lucifer but one fallen?

So Dean pledged, and he waited. He was 'called into service' and placed into a white room with garish furnishings and an angel that looked like Castiel but wasn't _Cas_. Wasn't the angel he'd got to know, and prayed to (and for, on occasion).

This angel acted like a chastised teenager and wouldn't meet Dean's eyes when he tried to catch his. He parroted the 'right' things to say and toed the 'company' line and seemed to forget every trace of a bond he might have ever forged with his charge.

(And Dean dared _anyone_ to deny there was a bond between them. It might not be friendship and it certainly wasn't love on Castiel's side, but the angel defied _Heaven_ for him. _It was there_.)

He'd shouted and he'd pleaded, hoping something would break through and the angel would figure _it _out; that they had to do something, that the others were _wrong_, and he shouldn't blindly follow them. Castiel had _always_ been better using his own initiative. More feeling.

Dean preferred, like with everything else he sometimes couldn't avoid, not to think about how similar _feeling_ sounded to _falling_.

Because while the latter was an immediate, final consequence, the former only seemed to be taking the long way around.


	2. Chapter 2

Short drabble ish coda to first part. Post series 4, general spoilers warning.

* * *

_And then he knew._

Sam wasn't an idiot. And despite his life story, he wasn't jaded enough (anymore; had someone posed the same situation while Dean was in Hell, his response would have been very different) that he couldn't see the good potential between two people. It was why he was doing this- taking the blood, getting stronger- he would protect his brother when Dean couldn't do it for himself, and hope that when he'd stopped the Apocalypse something _good_ might come of it. It would be a worthless reward, except it would make his brother happy and mean _everything_.

But then Castiel was dragged back to Heaven. Then the Winchesters met Jimmy Novak, and then Sam knew.

It wasn't an intuitive leap, something half-guessed and hypothesised that he might hope was wrong. He _knew_.

He saw the look on Dean's face when his brother thought no one was watching. And he knew it didn't matter if Castiel returned, if he said he felt the same or if he (never going to happen, Sam knew) jumped Dean like a horny cupid the moment his grace returned to Jimmy's body.

The look on Dean's face had been a mixture of love, loss, regret, self-loathing and heartbreak. Sam didn't think his brother realised exactly what he was projecting, but Jimmy felt some of it in the way Dean would react to him- unsure, at arm's length (betrayed when Jimmy met up with his family, like his lover had cheated on him with his wife).

And it was- completely insane, because now he_ knew_ Dean would never go there- never _be_ Castiel's lover who could be betrayed- his look could say nothing more clearly.

The love- that was pretty self-explanatory. The loss- also easy to puzzle out; Dean missed the angel and wanted him back safe. Regret- it took Sam a few minutes, until he realised that Dean didn't have the faith that he did; while Sam had faith that Castiel would return, Dean could only think the angel had been forcibly taken from them, perhaps killed, and his brother regretted how poorly he'd treated him on occasion.

Self loathing and heartbreak, Sam couldn't work out, not until the whole bloody mess of addiction, escape and Lilith was over. Not until he'd heard the whole story from Dean himself, about what had happened on his end (Dean had asked him about the voicemail he'd sent, and Sam had taken three days to get over the fact that essentially, he'd started the Apocalypse because of a _fake_ message). Dean reported dully what had happened in the angels' room, with Zacariah and Castiel. Then with _Cas_.

And Sam knew that his brother and Castiel would never be more than comrades. Because somewhere inside Castiel was a man who was still very much in love with his wife and family- a man who, willingly or not (did it count as willing when you didn't have all the information?), had given his body up to the angel and was contained inside in exactly the same manner as a demon would contain their own vessel.

And he knew Dean hated the fact that he'd fallen in love with a being only shades lighter than a demon, in some respects. Absolutely hated that even though Dean _knew_ the body wasn't Cas's, he felt some level of attraction for it, and the angel it contained (and given Dean's usual tastes, Sam wondered if that wasn't a part of it, also). And of course, Dean hated the fact that he'd fallen in love with a being who, despite willingness and permission and everything angels said to make it sound better, was _willingly_ suppressing another human's soul beneath their own.

Just like a demon would.

Because Dean's world was black and white, and Sam knew that to Dean, it felt like he'd fallen in love with a demon.

And because Sam knew Dean, and knew _now_ that in certain respects, Dean was stronger than him (Ruby lies between them like an unspoken secret), Sam _knew_ Dean won't ever let any of the potential Sam knew existed be realised.


	3. Chapter 3

coda to the coda that already was. Same warnings as the other two- general season 4/5 **spoiler** warning. I no own. Gleeful abuse of grammar and good writing sense (I blame a particularly nice Sauvingon Blanc).

And further warning- this might be Castiel's point of view, but it is _not_ a happy ending.

* * *

Castiel isn't an idiot. He isn't naive, or oblivious, or anything else that would blind him to the fact that Dean Winchester is in love with him. Castiel _is_ an angel (and he is scared, because he doesn't know how much longer he can make that claim before it rings false). Castiel wonders, if he is falling anyway, what one more step towards humanity would hurt. Castiel wonders if he could let himself fall in love with Dean Winchester in return, if they could be happy together.

(Somewhere deep inside, so deep Castiel pretends not to hear it, Jimmy wonders whether he'll see his family again. And honestly, which means infrequently, Castiel admits that this is the only question both he and his vessel should be asking.)

Castiel asks himself where the harm is in loving a broken man, in giving something back to this wonderful person who has given everything he is to a world that does not know his name and will never thank him for doing so. Castiel can see no harm in it, which is why it is all the more dangerous.

Castiel can see no harm in it, except for his Father's edict that all of His creations be loved equally. Except for this, Castiel cannot find a reason not to be in love with Dean Winchester (Castiel is _not_ a good angel anymore, and what is one more of his Father's rules to break?).

Sometimes he sees Sam glancing between the two of them, looks that yearn for something unquantifiable. Castiel interprets these to mean that he would approve of a match between himself (an _angel_) and his older brother. So he looks at Dean, and in a vicious cycle, this is where it all falls apart.

Dean Winchester is a great man. Dean is the Righteous Man, and some would call him a good one (Castiel has walked through Dean's dreams, has seen too many facets of the man to count, and is not among this admittedly small number). He knows he could love the man despite this, and grieves for his Father's children who have fallen so low.

Dean Winchester is a broken man, and it is Castiel's fault. Castiel was in Hell for longer than Dean knows, and could have saved him after a mere twenty three years, except his orders stated that the Righteous Man must break before he could be saved.

With typical arrogance, Castiel thinks that as he allowed Dean to be broken, by loving the man, he could fix him. So Castiel studies Dean, and wonders until he has his answer.

It is the same answer as every time previous Castiel has wondered this.

Castiel sees, knows, that Dean is in love with him. And he sees that Dean hates himself for that.

He doesn't know why. He can recognise emotions, but he is not human and does not pretend to understand them.

Castiel sees, knows, that Dean is broken. And eventually he realises that loving Dean in return would not fix the man, but break him further. To acknowledge and return the emotion Dean hates would undermine everything the man prides himself on being.

Castiel then wonders if he won't let himself fall in love anyway, because Dean is already broken, and what would a little more hurt? It would be a clean break, rather than the jagged severance Dean has suffered thus far.

Castiel hates himself for wondering this, and thinks he understands at least a little how Dean feels.

Castiel hates himself for that too (_one more step, what could it hurt_?).

And Castiel has his answer- that loving Dean would make both of them thoroughly miserable. That any relationship between the two of them would burn hot and fast like a wildfire that leaves only ashes and embers (regrets, questions, ponderings...) in its wake.

(He knows both of them are thoroughly miserable anyway. Dean is broken and still has too much on his plate, and Castiel is _falling_. Castiel does not know how much longer he can call himself an angel, and does not know what this will mean for himself and Jimmy when the time comes that he cannot.)

Castiel knows then that he will not let himself fall in love with Dean Winchester, because they are both broken creatures, and as such beyond fixing another broken creature. It will not end well for either of them if he lets himself fall (_in love_).

Castiel knows that Dean has been broken since the angel has known him- Castiel could fall in love with him despite his faults and not because of them.

Castiel knows that Dean has loved him since before he defied Heaven for the man, and loves him even now as his grace flows away bit by bit. Dean loves him despite the fact that Castiel is less than what he originally was, despite the fact that he is now broken.

And Castiel will not be the further breaking of this great man, this righteous man who loves too much and too fiercely to ever be a _good_ one.

(Castiel knows that he has defied Heaven for this man. Castiel admits that if Dean needed it, he would die for this man. Castiel admits that if _Dean_ needed it, there is nothing in his Father's creation and his own power that he would not give for this man.)

Castiel admits honestly, which means infrequently, that quite without his consent he is already in love with this man. And in his honest moments, he stares a bit longer and a bit sadder and does nothing.

And Castiel then begins to wonder.


End file.
